So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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