im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
