You can't motorboat a personality
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
