i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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