My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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