i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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