So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
