she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
