I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
