I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
id be glad to
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
