My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
