I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We are two peas in an std pod
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize
