I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
