you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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