hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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