If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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