Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
