i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
