Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
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I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
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Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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