1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
