Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
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He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
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You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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