Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
