He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I need a burrito and a hug.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
