Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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