how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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