seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Randomize
