you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Boobs speak an international language.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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