Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
