i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you traded sex for a burrito?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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