i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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