i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
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Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
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Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?