I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.