My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
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