he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
