Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
