i love accidental penises.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize