I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just blew my weed a kiss
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.