My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.