260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
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WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
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then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize