Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
