i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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