shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
