Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize