im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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