I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
