i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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