i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Randomize
