when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
