Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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