so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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