im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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