Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
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