btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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