dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
