I could make wine with my vomit
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
