apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
