i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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