Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
