Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
