be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
