wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
